Saturday, March 27, 2010

Just whirling around.

My head is just whirling around at the moment. I am torn between so many things and really don't know which way to turn. Things just keep popping up and kicking me while i am down, just when you think, 'surely nothing else can go wrong' BAM something else comes up and whacks me from behind. I have had the wind taken out of me continually over the past 12 months and feel like i have well and truely lost my direction. My children are all i have at the moment and to be totally honest with you my best friend, Mel, is the only one who knows everything. I can't share everything that has happened for massive fear of judgement and embarrasment, that after everything he has put me through i am still trying to protect!!! AND WHY? I have no idea.
I am a happy person, i am very energetic and outgoing, very opinionated and very strong, i have NEVER had depression, and don't have it now, but i am in a hole and don't know how to get out, i am in a hole that i am stuck in for now and really don't know when i will be able to get out.
I can't tell the whole truth on here, or anywhere for that matter because it wouldn't be the right thing to do at the moment, Mel has been my saving grace right now and without being able to speak with her and share the whole truth i don't know where i would be... Maybe i am reaching out for help? Maybe i need to get more opinions and have more people backing me before i make some decisions? I really don't know right now.
I am not a down and out kind of person, my perspective and outlook on life is very positive and i know i will get through it i just need the strength to do what my gut and heart and head is telling me to do.
My children are my life and even after everything we have been through the past 12 months i still believe life is beautiful i just need to get us to that beautiful place and at the moment it seems so far away...
Where is that strong person i used to be?

Saturday, March 20, 2010

We lost it. It's gone

We bought the shop back in September 2006. It was turning over approximately $6k a week and was going ok. By September 2007 we were turning over an average of $25k a week, yay our hard work had paid off.
I was working for Coca Cola at the time and was bringing home a VERY good wage but with the way the business was going we decided i would resign after having Regan and be a SAHM.
The next 12 months slowed down a bit but was still holding good at around $28k a week then disaster. In November 2008 Wooworths and Aldi opened up about 7ks down the road. Previous to that we only had 2 Coles near by, one about 200 meters up the road and the other about 7ks away. We remained positive that it wouldn't affect us too much and that we would be ok. Then the Global Financial Crisis!!! People were scared and stopped spending their money and became very money concious.
Over the coming months business started to decline, slowly but surely the customers didn't want to drive to do a seperate fruit and vege shop, instead preferred to get it all at the one place.
The we got hit again, Woolworths decided to open up about 200 meters up the road. In October 2009 they opened their doors and it was on!!! Coles had been the only supermarket in our area for a long time and all of a sudden they had competition. They were price competing against each other big time and continuosly priced us out of the market. We couldn't even buy the stock for what they were selling it for, we remained positive even though sales had dropped down to about $9k a week. We cut back every way we could, we cut wages, we cut advertising, we offered a customer loyalty program, we offered free home delivery to local customers, Aaron was working 90 hours a week and only brining home $800 a week, yep that was the bare minimum we needed to pay our home bills so that's what he was bringing home which in reality is like slave labour, he was earning only $8.88 an hour. I was doing the deliveries for the shop for free as well as covering some of the shorter shifts for nothing, but each week we fell further and further behind. Then Woolies did the unthinkable, they decided to offer free home delivery to local customers as well. Since when do they do anything for free???
This week we got a letter saying we were now 6 months behind in rent and that we were now in breach of our leasing agreement, we called them and explained the shop was on the market and that there was simply nothing we could do until we sold the business, but it wasn't enough.
This morning Aaron left for work at 3am only to find the locks had been changed, we lost it, it's gone. he called the bank who own the building, not the bank we bank with and can you belive it they answered the phone because they were worried about us and were waiting for our call, yep the bank manager answered her phone at 330am...
So Aaron jumped the fence and got some things out of the office and came home and woke me, it was about 5am and i got woken only to be told we no longer had the shop, i woke up, tood up and passed out. I then woke up and threw up before really understanding what was happening. My heart was pounding so hard i thought i might have been having a heart attack, i was in shock.
Both Regan and Boston woke up about an hour before they normally would have, kids have such an amazing sense to these things.
Aaron's parents came over, as they are part owners, and we drew up an action plan. We get access to the shop for 24 hours from 830am Monday in which time we have to gut the place. We own all the stock and equipment so need to remove it all. The plan now is to dismantle one of the smaller cool rooms and set it up in our garage and convert the remainder of the garage into a prep area, it's a largish garage. There are a few things we need to do to make it meet health regulations but it isn't much. We will continue to serve our wholesale customers and our home delivery box customers and hope to god we can survive. I am looking at going back to work full time to pay the bills but am not sure how i am going to go about doing this yet.
I have been swaing between laughing and crying today and i dont think it has really sunk in yet. I think it will hit me on monday when we have to go and clear it all out and when Aaron isn't working like normal.
Anyway i am going to leave it at that, my spelling is probably way out but i am just too emotionally drained to write any more right now.
I am remaining positive though, i know it will be extrememly tough but we will get there, eventually.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

My goals for this week

OK so i started my journey at 71.8kg. Since christmas i have lost 6.3kg and am now sitting at 65.5kg. My first goal was 65kg and i am so close, my reward for that will be a new hair do and i can't wait. My easter goal is 63kg, which means i have 2.5kg to lose in 3 weeks, tough ask but i will give it a good crack. My ultimate goal is 60kg and i have until my sisters wedding on the 3rd of July to reach this. Wow, lots of numbers in there.
So this week my goals are as follows:
  • At least 30 minutes of exercise EVERY DAY
  • 5 mins of ab work every night coupled with core work
  • Run 3 times this week
  • Gym twice this week
  • Eating right EVERY DAY
So that is all very achievable and when i hop on the scales on saturday i want to be under 65kg. I know i can do it, i just really need to focus and put in the hard yards.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Learning young...

Yes everyone knows i am a breast feeding advocate and that i like to tell people about the benefits etc when ever the topic is raised, though i am really careful not to be pushy, so it's not much of a surprise i suppose that Missy R breast feeds her "babies". She has bottles for her babies but if you ask her about the bottles she will tell you that water goes into the bottles. She often grabs one of her babies and sits on the lounge with me and 'feeds' her baby while i am feeding Bossy but i am not normally able to capture this moment, for obvious reasons, so when Aaron was home the other day and she did it i made sure i got a pic. :-)
I personally think it's so cute and i am proud that her understanding of how babies are fed is by 'booby milk' and that she accepts that it is normal. One of my life goals is to teach my children about living a healthy life and i guess there is no better way to start than at the begining. :-)

Saturday, March 6, 2010

This is her...

I took this picture the other day at the beach and the more i look back on it the more i love it. It just captures Regan and who she is. That cheeky grin, those belly laughs, the beautiful eyes that are just so deep, the messy ruffled hair, the sunshine, blue sky and being outdoors. She LOVES the beach and is always so happy when we are there, or anywhere that has a bit of adventure.

Her smile still melts my heart, as much as it did the very first time, she is such a loving and affectionate girl, constantly ready for a cuddle and a kiss. I love the way she comes up and cuddles me from behind when i am on the lounge or on the veranda and plants a big kiss on my cheek, i love the way she grabs my legs and squeezes them with all her might and i love the way she wraps her arms around my neck and rubs her nose on mine.

She may be crazy at times and wear me out but she is still the most amazing girl i have ever met.

Kim xox

Monday, March 1, 2010

Weaning? I can't remember why exactly?

I have been really enjoying breast feeeding again and to be honest couldn't ever imagine bottle feeding any of my children. Anyway, while feeding Bossy the other day it got me thinking of how much i used to love feeding Regan and then i started thinking about when i weaned her. Now i am proud of how far we went (almost 14 months) and i am happy that the weaning process was easy and done when Regan was ready BUT i really can't remember why i decided to wean her then???
She was down to 1 feed at that point, only before bed, i was extremely tired and sick due to being in the early stages of pregnancy and Regan STILL wasn't sleeping through the night so maybe that had something to do with it? I remember people telling me that i 'really should consider weaning soon' and that i had 'fed her long enough' and that i 'should do it as early as possible now i am pregnant so she doesn't remember' rada rada but i am not one to normally cave in to peer pressure. I do remember my mum saying that Regan will wean herself in her own time now that i am pregnant but i didn't really listen to her and now wish i did.
From what i can remember one night she just seemed really happy so i said to Aaron that i wouldn't offer it and see what happened and sure enough she didn't ask for it. I think i thought if i wean her it is one less thing i have to do but in reality i can't really remember now.
So i guess i am now regretting my decsision to wean her when i did. I know i can't go back and change it instead need to be proud of how far we came, 14 months is a great effort.
So as for Boston i am going to leave it more up to him, instead of guiding the weaning this time i will completly leave it up to him. Chances are after 13 / 14 months he will only be having 1 feed a day so really who needs to know if we are still feeding or not.
Kim xox